Since we were so young, we were taught to have a competition with other people, not how to love yourself.
The comparison appears in anywhere. Weight, grade, etc, which makes us afraid of being left behind.
The fear can grow bigger and bigger until we are adults. The fear of being so small in society also the fear of feeling behind drove insecurity inside me.
I wasn’t born in a wealthy family, which made me soo envious of people who have the capital to grow themselves, to make them pretty, to buy things without looking at the price tag, to have an enormously pricey academy outside school.
“They are so pretty. They are so talented and gain so many achievements. They are so rich to possess expensive items. Meanwhile, me, here, sitting in the corner, not join any competition, not pretty, only good at academic. Still, I don’t even get the first rank,” said I a few years ago.
I used to pity myself.
I think the changes began to happen at the end of 2017 when I built my self-awareness since I couldn’t let this situation happen for a looong long time in the future.
I tried recording my feelings, insecurities, and many more in a journal after watching videos on YouTube how powerful journaling is. [see the benefits here] In brief, I wrote down my every tiny insecurity, negativity, and bad habits.
I also wrote what kind of person I want to be, how I want to feel, what obstacles I have to conquer if I want to develop myself. And from that part, I drew a bridge which will be solutions to my problems. Example:
I know I will not easily praise myself if I don’t gain something. Therefore, I stepped to the next level, which was taking actions over those problems I’ve mentioned.
This is quite contradictory since you can fail and it may lead to self-destruction. WWW. So, what I did on “How to Love Yourself project” was surrounding myself with a positive environment, whether online or offline.
I subscribed to self-development channels, contents with diversity which point out indescribably beautiful women with white or tanned skin.
I also didn’t follow selebgrams who make me more insecure (you can mention any names). I also tended to watch/follow beauty vloggers/bloggers who have the same skin colour as mine, so I wouldn’t complain about not being white. HAHAHA.
Building an offline environment is somehow difficult because you can’t ‘unsubscribe’ your classmates or neighbours. But at least, keep your small circle with people whom you enjoy talking to, or friends who want to improve and bring colour into your life.
Gratefully, my family also take part in this journey. They frequently say
- ‘Hm, cantiknya anak mama/bapak’, [‘Hm, how beautiful my daughter are’]
- ‘Lapo se ndeloki koco? Nggak, nggak.. Nggak gendut’ [‘Why are you keep looking at the mirror? Seriously, you are not gaining any weight’]
Final step: Self-affirmation and self-love
I believe how to love yourself project will be a never-ending lesson in my life.
The grass is always greener.
So, there will always be a person/people that will look up to/be envious of. WKKW. But currently, I can say I’m quite confident with my appearance, and generally what I am doing.
Remind yourself everybody can be prettier, wealthier, or smarter, but it doesn’t make you less!
I hope my journey can lift you up. Share your #selflovejourney in the comments below!
*you may say ‘said a girl who has already had everything’. No, the things I don’t have can be listed from the North to the South Pole. But still, I own something, myself, that can improve, work hard, and get a thing. My close friends know how low my confidence was, yet I don’t think the little details are needed to be shared. Thank you 🙂